14 Monday HELLISH start. Valet and butler thought I was having my usual lie in until 5pm, so woke up mid afternoon and had to prepare alone. No clothes laid out, no toothpaste on my brush, no one to spread my marmalade, no one to call a useless the way uncle Andrew taught me. Until I remembered Daddy.
Rang in tears to tell him I’m just not cut out for this work thingy. He said he understands. But said all royals have to pretend to do some now and again, before getting back to a life of permanent unemployment. Thankfully, he sent his butler round to dress me and give me a piggy back to something called a Tube.
Journey absolutely frightful. Lots of fat foreigners with cameras and sweaty armpits kept pushing up against me. Exactly how grandpapa Philip describes a royal tour. Arrived at office just as everyone else was leaving for home. So rang up butler and demanded to be picked up. Fortunately, he was parked nearby. Given a police escort home. Bloody hard going, this work.
REST of the chaps at HSBC seemed a bit bemused. My boss asked if I knew anything about standing orders and I said yah, of course, but I intended to treat everyone as my equal, I wouldn’t be giving any, and he could sit down.
He told me to go and photocopy my crown jewels then stick it up my ‘arris. I think this is called Cockerney rhyming slang. Great granny picked it up during the Blitz and taug fake rolex ht me some. So I called him a Sir Anthony Blunt. Don’t know what it means but he rewarded me with a verbal warning then sent me to buy all the lunches.
Everyone kept giving me pieces of paper with grandma’s head on. Was really confused. Did you know there’s a type of tea other than Earl Grey? And it comes in little bags. One chap asked for two large baps. So I gave him a picture of Harry’s girlfriend Chelsy and he seemed happy.
16 Wednesday HAD to man the customer phone lines today and it was jolly hard work. Couldn’t understand a word they said. I kept asking them to repeat themselves until one guy told me how sick he was at getting through to Asians on the other side of the world.
I told him I’m German and he hung up. I think my phone number is actually a doctor’s surgery, because all they keep telling me is how they need to check their balance. One doesn’t know what to say.
One lady asked for some advice on loans. I said I wouldn’t bother. At Klosters last year, I loaned all my ski equipment to Freddy Windsor and never got so much as a ski back. Bad idea loans, if you ask me.
I’m a big help to some of them, though. One guy asked if I knew of a decent pension scheme. So I recommended the one Daddy arranged for me called the Duchy of Lancaster. You pay sod all in for all of your life and, before you know it, you own half the country. He seemed to think he couldn’t apply. That’s the problem with commoners. No ambition.
17 Thursday TOOK a look at some of the accounts. Never realised people out there were so poor. I rang one woman who earns 3,000 a month to tell her I pay that in polo fees alone and she told me to off. Realised I’d got through to auntie Anne by mistake.
I have to say, people spend so much time worrying. Some are upset because they’re overdrawn. I tell them great granny owed 4million throughout her life and no one ever asked for it back. So why don’t they join Coutts like everyone else?
I can’t work out my colleagues. They’re a very fake rolex dour bunch. Especially the ones who gather in a place that stinks like aunt Margaret’s house used to, called the smoking room. They slag off their bosses and whinge about how long they have to wait for a promotion. As I said to them, at least you don’t have to wait until your dad dies, do you?
18 Friday THESE Tube stations really are carbuncles. They smell like a valet’s hands after he’s held your test tube for a doctor’s sample. Yeugh.
Still, I don’t let it get me down because, as we say in the office, TGIF!
Yah, it’s dress down Friday. So I decided to go casual, opting for a 5,000 Savile Row suit instead the usual 20,000 one.
Must admit everyone seemed a lot happier today, especially when we strolled down to a wine bar for a spot of liquid lunch. Got involved in something called a “round”, which was fun at first as everyone took it in turns to buy me a drink. It all got a bit nasty though when they said I had to buy them one back.
What strange rituals they have. Going to pubs with money. Got even nastier when someone asked why I was doing work experience at a bank. When I replied that handling millions of pounds of other people’s money and giving them sod all in return was excellent preparation for becoming a future king, a drunken Scottish chap overheard us and tried to punch me.
Went back to the office. Fell asleep. Woke up to find my trousers ar fake rolex ound my ankles. Realised what they meant about photocopying the crown jewels. I fake rolex resign. Thank God, I don’t have to do work again. Frightful business.